Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
I’m pressing towards my 15,000, hopefully 18,000 word count by the end of this weekend. I feel slightly less overwhelmed, but the pain and anxiety return to me every day that I sit down. I feel uninspired even after I begin to type. But, I promised myself I would do this. That I would climb the mountain and at least I’m a quarter of the way there. (What happens next? Not sure.)
I was looking for a quote today and I narrowed down the ones about severe depression and found one that at least provided hope (sorry Elizabeth Wurtzel).
There was not a clear path for me or even an invisible path to writing for me and I feel like I share this with a lot of my peers. When I graduated from college the first time in 2009, the newspaper in the town was on the brink of bankruptcy, and the “Great Recession” helped it to capsize completely. Currently, it is an all online journal with a 1/3 of the previous staff working at a freelance capacity and most of their work is selling ad space on the website. I’m certain that without creating anything all we will be is advertising space on someone else’s website. It’s not an effective long-term solution. Eventually, what remains is everyone trading others for advertisement and no real exchange of currency.
I began to feel like I was responsible for these gargantuan companies failures just by applying to them or thinking about them. My disillusionment continued with writing and the glory of getting a novel published when Borders went belly up. It didn’t help that I was working there at the time and that I finally felt like I had found some place to belong.
Now I just feel this overwhelming need to change public opinion on what is important. That maybe we should carry around journals of our politicians instead of our celebrities. Maybe we should care what our laws are and know what our state legislature is voting to put into law. Maybe we should pay more attention, no matter how this hurts or doesn’t fall into our life path. Maybe we should care a little more.
Then maybe creating, inventing, innovation wouldn’t seem so far from the norm.